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My return

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3 years ago (or thereabouts, I never really kept track) I left Middle Earth. I left. 'I left' seems like the wrong way of saying I ran away, because I did run and I ran fast and furiously and far away. I may not have quickly placed one slightly bent and probably cramped leg in front of the other at a pace faster than walking yet not as quick as sprinting, but in my heart and mind I was running. And I survived.

But here's the big question - the one that keeps me up at night and confuses strangers when my drunk loose tongue decides that this stranger, this lovely beautiful sensitive soul of a stranger needs to hear my life story - was I running away from something, or to something?

I know that what I have found at the other end of the road is good. I know that what I left was bad - so you tell me!

I left:- NO. I ran away from a life peppered and salted with death and betrayal. Tarnished by the soot of burning homes and blackened, leathered corpses. Stains on my floor and my ceiling like black tar, stains that could never be identified as my loved ones. Rusted chains tethered to damp sticky walls, grey mouldy rags that were once beautiful garments, remains and left overs of a world that was mine but was stolen in hate and jealousy.

And now - I am back. VENGEANCE is in my heart. Middle Earth! I will love you, I will be with you. But if you cannot aid me in this vengeance - I will leave you once more. Please - do not let me down.

I still do not know who I am - I never really did. I do not know where these weary blistered feet will take me. The Shire haunts my dreams with its meadows and beautiful little folk who are so honest and cheery. I am drawn there like an exhausted barefoot mother is drawn to her soft feather pillows, but my bitterness will only polute the streams and the crops with my special posion. Bree and all its shadowy corners and delighfully secret places seems more suited to my current state of mind. Yes - Bree is the place for me to begin I think. To plan scheme and fantasise about the men who were my ruin and what I will do to them once I find them - and I will find them, this I promise to all the graves and on all the hearts that sit beneath the ground rotting, never beating!

My husband, my love, my saviour who I found only once I ran - I must leave him. I know that for his sake I must exorcise these demons lest the anger be directed in the wrong direction. Never at her, never at my precious girl baby. But her father who has woken me and soothed my fevered brow after so many night terrors. Her father who has wiped my unexplained tears, who has seen my face become contorted with so much pain and suffering and still he finds me beautiful. For my family, I must return to my home and face these demons, these wicked children of men, and be rid of them forever.

For my family. So I can bring them home.

To be continued...

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